I went to Catholic school. Lots of it. I am the product of 16 years of Catholic education. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. It served me well. It made me the heathen I am today.When I was in seventh grade, we had a young and super cute seminarian – his name was Joe – who was somehow associated with our school. He must have been something like a Priest College intern or something. Anyway, not only was Joe handsome, funny and engaging, but he dressed like your above-average 24-year-old 1980s hottie as well: Levis, a pastel polo shirt with the collar turned up, boat shoes. Mmmmm. (Yeah, I know, what a total waste, right?)
Anyway, Joe was really into Christian rock music. Like REALLY into it. So the brilliant teachers at St. Mary's Catholic grade school, who obviously feared for our souls under the otherwise unchecked influence of rock music (which, in 1985, consisted of such hell-raising acts as Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Chaka Khan, Prince, and that ill-meaning collaboration of 32 talented artists singing "We are the World" in unison) arranged for Joe to come in and teach us all that you really can love Jesus and rock on too.
First we learned that Satan writes rock music.
What? You didn't know that? It's totally true.
Exhibit A: Stairway to Heaven, the lyrics to which Robert Plant admitted (and I still remember this vividly from some video thingy that we watched) pretty much wrote themselves. He said: "My hand was writing out the words, 'There's a lady is sure [sic], all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to heaven'. I just sat there and looked at them and almost leapt out of my seat."The implication, to us at least, was that the devil possessed poor Plant, and wrote those words himself. Now, you may have been tougher and more worldly than I was, but the whole hand demon thing was enough to totally freak sweet, innocent, uniform-wearing, 12-year-old me out.
Exhibit B: The Beatles Revolution 9, which, when played backwards on vinyl, clearly says: Turn me on, deadman. Dead? Man? Turn me on? I mean, come on. Freaky, right?
Joe instilled the fear.
Then he offered hope. He pulled out his boom box and cassette tapes, and he opened our ears to the possibility of salvation...through really, really, really bad Jesus music.
Petra. That's the only band I can remember now. And their song: "J-E-S-U-S." More though, I remember Joe, walking towards me with the boom box on his shoulder, nodding his head in pure "Oh God, I love this song" bliss, singing at the top of his lungs: J-E-S-U-S!
I was in love.
And I have a treat for you, friends. Oh yes.
Rock out, with your cock out. Amen.
And while you're at it, check out my favorite little buddies making it big with God on their side in South Park, Colorado:
Yep.
Needless to say, my crush on Joe fizzled and the whole Christian rock thing didn't really work out. I think it's pretty safe to assume that I'm actually not going to go to hell because of it. Just in case, though, just in case Joe was right all those years ago, I'm planning to hone my Cartman impersonation and learn all the words to "It's up to you to save me, Jesus, baby." Because, even though I'm sure he's a great guy and everything, I really don't want to spend the rest of eternity in an overly steamy flame-licking sauna with Robert Plant.
Can you blame me?
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Good stuff, Marit. Whenever I hear the term "Christian rock," the band Stryper is the first thing that pops into my head:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stryper
Frightening. And if you are trying to play it safe with salvation, if you recall a different episode of South Park, it is only the Mormons that make it to heaven ;)
I didn't go to Catholic school. My upbringing was worse. I wasn't Mormon and everyone else around me was.
That and growing up my favorite music when I was 5-9 was from the Broadway smash hit "Hair." I swear. And I can still sing every word to every song on that album. Yes. I said it. A L B U M. Remember those?
Christ I'm getting old, but that's why I turned out the way I did. Frankly sister, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Me too, Mistress! And I still know every word as well. In high school, my friend Lyra and I would listen to Hair on vinyl and sing and eat baked sweet potatoes. (Not that baked sweet potatoes have anything to do with anything.) You're not old, Jules. Just damn cool.
What a piece of work is man!
And Michael, I love that episode too. And following that line of thinking, I'm already in heaven.
I mean really, those guys know how to party!
I went to Catholic school for half of 7th grade, they couldn't contain me.
Some day I'll have to recount my youth group days. I was a bad bad teenager
I once had a brief stint as a Lutheran youth group leader. I didn't know anything about Jesus, but i knew how to camp. I taught the kids how to camp and they taught me a little bit about Jesus. It was a fair trade...
The path to salvation goes through South Park.
I too spent a few years in Catholics school and believe it or not I remember one of the nuns was telling us a story about Satan possesing people and writing rock lyrics as well (except she used Black Sabbath as the example). I asked if he would do my homework for me. I got hit with a ruler, that weekend I used some of my lawn mowing money to buy a Black Sabbath record.
Hey, A-train.
A new no homework excuse: "Well, Satan usually possesses me and does my homework, but for some reason, he didn't come by last night."
And they were still doing the ruler thing when you were in school? Thankfully, I missed that phase in Catholic education. I had the nuns who were way into folk music and incessantly pulled out their guitars for another spiritually fulfilling round of Kumbaya. And when I say "round," I really mean "rounds."
"You on the left side of the room, you start. After the first group sings 'Kumbaya' the second time, you and the center chime in from the top. Then you on the left join us all."
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
I never had to worry about the ruler, primarily going through the public education system (and the private education was non-parochial).
I do remember being sent to the principal's office, and having to grab my ankles for a paddling, however ... in public school ... as late as 5th & 6th grade (1976-1978).
Corporal punishment is still legal in Tennessee, as I believe it is in almost all (if not all) 50 states.
TCA 49-6-4103 -- Corporal punishment. -- Any teacher or school principal may use corporal punishment in a reasonable manner against any pupil for good cause in order to maintain discipline and order within the public school.
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